our first christmas

Christmas IS real.

CQs first Christmas and it's as if I finally get it. Her presence and experience really governed the whole thing for me.

Her Grandma and Grandpa couldn't have done a better job at creating Christmas, it's a child's dream.

My favorite moment was when CQ came into the room after taking her morning nap. Her face lit up like I have not seen before. She looked each one of us in the face giving a chuckle and an excited kick. And I realize this is why we do it all, for these moments, for that look, and for the excitement of being together and sharing dreams. This felt like my first Christmas...

mmmm...

I do feel the joy of the season!:) I also feel the tender emotions that becomes especially vulnerable during this time, the expectation and craziness of gift shopping, the end of the year last minute deadlines and yet all I want to do is put my feet up and honor the sense that it's actually time to slow down. We are in the midst of winter after all. A natural time of hibernation, my baby has me house bound at least half the day and still when I look out the window it all seems to be moving at the speed of light. What is going on? (I am reminded of a quote by Holiday Matinee: Work your love and love your work!) It is three days till Christmas and our tree has been up for two weeks. I am proud to say it's still alive. Yes, we have a real tree, a ritual taught by my husband and one I have learnt to love. CQ helped pick this one out.

CQ loves a trees. Every afternoon when I take her outside to catch the last of the sunshine, she grins from ear to ear as I greet the tree with a friendly "hello Boom(tree)". She reaches out and gives it a good pat down and giggles at it, is as if she's communicating with it in some secret language, its one of my favorite moments. The whole ritual of Christmas has escalated for me, since having CQ. Ryan has always loved Christmas more than anyone I have ever met, but now having the opportunity to set the tone for CQ for this event is really kind of fun. My arms ache under the weight of this 8month old that loves the view from up high. I am currently not allowed to put her down. If I do she will find me and stand up against my legs and insist on being picked up. So I have acquired a few skills, vacuuming with one hand, cutting bread and mixing salad with her sitting on my hip, I'm sure the fly on the wall has a giggle at our antics. MetaMama: "being a parent is constant... I thought something profound might show up, but thats it. It's the only constant I have ever experienced in my life."

need I say more...

Winter

It's winter in San Diego.

Christmas Trees are available on every shopping corner. Lights are up and inflatables are hanging out on the front lawns. People are buzzing to get their Xmas shopping done. I haven't even started, I'm still wrapping my head around the early nightfall, the sun setting at 5PM. We will go find our perfect tree this weekend and start the festivities that will make CQ's eyes shine.

No-one loves Xmas like her Pappa. He even has me excited about all that the season has to offer. Yet I have to admit that I am feeling a sense of sadness when I am out and about. Ry reminded me that we live in a military town and the season will inevitably highlight those alone at home with husbands or wives far away in unfamiliar territory, making people on edge and sad. I keep my smile going but I feel the season and its moods nudging at my heart strings. It's been an incredible year of visitors in our new home.

CQ's life is filled with so much love from across the seas.

More please, and stay a while...

34 WEEKS

I stand amazed at how babies, how humans develop and learn their bodies. I watch CQ like a hawk, mostly because she's so awesome. Her latest feat is standing hands free. She is squatting and getting up and reaching over, crawling faster than I walk at times, climbing over, under and up anything.

She becomes super excited when she stands and looks around to see who is witnessing her victory of the moment. It's incredible and inspiring to watch her determined body finally accomplish what she has been practicing for at least a month now.

She sings herself to sleep, giggles when you tell her a funny animated story, or eat her feet. She is up for trying anything that is on our plates, she drinks water with me out of my glass and enjoys her dad's smoothy with him in the morning. Her favorite food currently is probably mango, although she loves her avocado too and sweet potato is at the bottom of her list. Patience, the cat has finally come around and the two of them play together very sweetly, CQ will very gently pat at her and when she looses her balance she grabs and Patience runs of, mostly they just follows each other around the house, CQ calling out to her in her highest register, Patience standing guard outside her room when CQ sleeps. The adventure continues, everyday brings a fresh perspective.

See you later...

Calling out "See you later..." seems to lighten the farewell and help my mind rap it self around the idea of good bye's. My heart breaks a little every time I have to leave people I love. I hate missing out, it's not that I suffer from much fOMO(fear of missing out), it's only when people do and experience things without me that I loose my cool. Okay so I suffer from FOMO when it comes to my family.

Saying goodbye to long summer days, thunder storms and big clouds with terrifying lightning. Suddenly CQ is down for the night by 4:30pm and I haven't even given her, her last meal or bath. She woke up around 8:30pm and we attempted a bath and to feed her some oatmeal but she very adamantly and loudly made sure to let us know this is not okay, all she wanted was a little milk and to be left to sleep...agghh Maaaamaaa! I again realize that she truly sleeps and wakes with the sun. Days are short and nights are long...Suddenly getting up at 6am is no biggy, who would've thought. I have to shout out a profound "Thank you" to my Mother, my sister,

my brother, my family of amazing friends and CQ's Essie,

Kimmy,

LaLa,

aunties and

uncles and nieces and nephews.

I have no words that would do justice for all the generosity and love we received over the past five weeks. A memorable and gorgeous time in beautiful South Africa.

I give the other Thank you to my husband who very graciously kept our life running on this side of the world, with such ease and love, I stand in awe of him. The World can seem so big and the ocean a great separator, yet it seems we live in a global village and it's easy to stay tuned these days. You have to admit, when we apply our minds amazing things originate. MetaMama: "I am astounded at the amount of change all around, the transformation and passion that is reaching a cataclysmic triumph, forcing the world to create from its true source, it seems to me."

Missing her pApA...

Five weeks without her Dad, it makes my heart ache. We have been all over South Africa, from the Eastern Cape back to beautiful Jozi and finally we're in Franschhoek. Everywhere we go I'm reminded of him, I see CQ looking and listening when a man enters our strong female circle, looking for her pApA.

Watching the mountain as it changes its moods in seconds, spring storms keep us tucked in inside, I feel the moodiness of our separation starting to take its toll. I count our blessings as this strong feeling of longing for the love of my life reminds me of what we have and the depth and joy of it. It's a whole new journey to become a parent team, the adventure and responsibility of raising a family together is extraordinary to me, the ordinariness of many others doing it for eons of time does not seem real.